A "Serious" Photographer

I know I haven't been updating much on here about what we're learning in my Digital 101 class, though I have posted some pictures I've taken while being in the class. I'll get more into all of that later, but this week's assignment (as in, due today) was to get some of our photographs printed off (I liked the results I got from MyPhotoPipe.com so I'll give them a shout-out!). It was to help us get acquainted with that part of the whole photography process, as well as help us determine what pictures turn out best on what types of paper (glossy vs matte, etc). We also took a few pictures that were supposed to follow any one of the "rules" of composition... rule of thirds, patterns, leading lines, etc, for fellow photographers out there.

Well, both my assignments this week got a really good reception! I was very pleased/proud! Ryan said that I made good paper choices for the prints I ordered, and both he and my fellow classmates had good things to say about a lot of my photographs. To top it all off, at the end of class I was asking Ryan something about what methods he uses to select between several photos of the same subject (read: so I don't have to repeat my last post for every photo shoot I ever do!!) And the part of the evening that really made my day (which I'm probably waaaaay over-analyzing and reading into because, come on, I'm a girl and we just do that about everything, but still made me happy) is that he prefaced his answer with "Well, you seem more serious about this, so......" and proceeded to give me what, I guess, was a more thorough answer, or perhaps suggested tools (such as portfolio review/tutorial sessions) that he wouldn't bother giving someone that was less "serious".

It was just a compliment that he probably didn't even realize he was paying me by recognizing that I AM, or at least am trying to be, more serious about this. I'm not sure if it was my manner in class, the attention I seemed to pay to the lessons, my level of familiarity with some of the concepts already, or any amount of success that is already coming through in my shots (some combination of all of these things would I guess be ideal). But something tipped him off to the fact that I really am interested in this stuff for more than just weekend outings' sake. And whatever that may be, it made my day that it IS coming across!

So yay!!! :D

In other notes (and in an attempt to go ahead and get some other items out of the way on my to-blog list) the rest of my evening turned out pretty good too. My day started out kind of crappy. I showed up to work only to find that the power and phones were both out, my boss was elsewhere, and the only instruction or direction she would give us was that we weren't to leave and she would call after her meeting (which was supposed to go until sometime between 10am and noon.) I tried calling her after she had spoken with a coworker to see if she could give us any sort of timeline. Any idea of "If the power's not on by ___ o'clock, you can go work from home." But no- she cut me off before I could get the thought out, responded "I know the power's out. I want you to stay there. I'll call after my meeting." And that was that. So I started off my day very upset (I called John after that almost in tears out of anger) that my manager was showing very poor leadership skills by appearing to be "too busy" to acknowledge or deal with the fact that her employees did not have the resources they needed to do their job. The power did end up coming back on mid-day, just a little before she got back. I really wished it had stayed off. Not simply because the idea of being able to go home was enticing, but because the situation allowed her to show up and say "Oh, good. The power's back on. Looks like my plan worked. I was right to just have yall stay here." When in fact, NO, that is NOT good managing, and despite the fact that this situation turned out for the best, that kind of leadership should really NOT be encouraged. UGGG!

Anyways, like I said... my evening DID turn out fine. I promise! First, class went well. Then I came home and, it not being too late, decided to get in some exercise, so I hopped on my gazelle (the exercise machine, not the African animal, for anyone new to my blog), and finished Little Black Book. (I started it earlier this week while also on my gazelle.) I ended up doing 35 minutes, working up a little bit of a sweat- enough to feel like I was doing myself some good- and enjoy a good movie! Because, yes, this is a VERY good movie. Not if you're a guy probably, but it's a great girl-power movie. Not in the sense of shoot-em-up, killer (literal) heels, poison lipstick, etc, like you'd find in Sucker Punch or any Angelina Jolie flick. But more along the lines of *possible spoiler alert* I can have my happy ending with or without a guy *end of spoiler* kind of way. And, while there is technically no random breakout musical number like most of my other favorite movies include, music does play a large role, and the last scene leaves a smile big enough and tears bright enough on your face to make you think it ended with the musical number of the decade! So if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. :)

So that was what made my day so good. :) Now I'm all showered, and done with my post, so I'm going to head to bed and read a little of my latest Anne of... book. :)

Sweet dreams!

PS- Ryan DID say that asking other people for their opinion when you just can't decide between youe last few good photos is actually a good method, so I can't promise that I won't have ANY repeats of my last post, but I'll try to keep them to a minimum! :P

Another Beautiful Spring Afternoon

So this still isn't my catch up posts but I felt very inspired when I got home today and went out to take some pictures in my front yard. I'm going to try and be productive for the rest of the evening as well- get in some exercise, maybe some journaling, maybe painting, or even one of my catch up posts. lol. But for now, here are some of my faves from this afternoon:

The Bend in the Road

I just finished reading Anne of Green Gables, a favorite of a friend of mine and a fun, easy read between book-club books. And it really was a wonderful book. I've still the rest of the series to finish- and I truly do look forward to finding out what other adventures lay in Anne's future- but this book stands alone just fine as is. It definitely makes you think about an older time, when things were simpler but responsibilities came earlier in life. The writing is wonderful and the young girl who went on and on about fairies and other imaginings earlier in the book is speaking sensibly and maturely by the end without you ever noticing the shift. And as she and her peers go on- at the age of 16!- to begin their adult lives as college scholars, farmers or ministers, or even teachers to other children just barely younger than themselves, it really makes you wonder if today's youth could grow up that quickly if the times still called for it!

But more than anything, I just enjoyed reading about a "kindred spirit", as Anne would put it- a young girl who daydreams and loves reading, and has such big plans for herself in the world. And the closing passage touched my heart more than anything... as if it was meant just for me to read it. (And after all, aren't all things truly enjoyable in any innocent way sent by God as gifts to us, and therefore mightn't He include lessons for us among those as well?)

And so, in order to save it for myself as well as put it out there for anyone else that might get some sort of joy from it, I'll include it here:

Anne's horizons had closed in since the night she had sat there after coming home from Queen's; but if the path set before her feet was to be narrow she knew that flowers of quiet happiness would bloom along it. The joy of sincere work and worthy aspiration and congenial friendship were to be hers; nothing could rob her of her birthright of fancy or her ideal world of dreams. And there was always the bend in the road!

"'God's in his heaven, all's right with the world,'" whispered Anne softly. softly.

Coincidence? Or Godly Evidence?

Watching: Father of the Bride
Fave Quote: "Well, that's the thing about life, is uh, the surprises--the little things that sneak up on you and grab hold of you."

OMG! I am sooooo excited about the study my small group is starting (well, started?) this week. We met yesterday and got the material and kind of did a run down of what to expect. We're doing a study called BASIC. I haven't done it yet, obviously, but from what I've read and been told so far, it's basically about learning what you have in your heart that's blocking you from being able to accept Christ's love fully and shine it back on the world, and then getting rid of whatever it is you identify. Sounds kind of weird when I put it like that, but example: this study was (is?) used at my church as training for people that go into Care Ministry, which again is not something I've participated in but from what I understand is kind of a peer-to-peer type counseling that North Point Ministries offers. It's a service area that you can volunteer in. And the point of the training is to open yourself up to God's comfort so that you can then fully understand what it means to be comforted and only then be able to effectively comfort others.

So let me back up a moment. You may have read recently in a few of my entries that I've been dealing lately with some potential life change and it's got me all confused in the head. Long story short, I was going to go back to school for my Ph.D in Industrial and Organizational Psychology (a mouth full, isn't it?) And less than 2 months ago I all of a sudden started questioning whether that was what I should/wanted to do. I started considering other things that I might want to do with my life instead and what would make me happiest. The first 2 ideas that popped into my head were marine biology and photography. The first, while definitely something I've expressed a mild interest in since I was younger, would require starting ALL OVER with school. Like, go back, take more science, get a new bachelors. I already have 2 of those. I really didn't feel drawn in that direction enough to validate going back and getting a 3rd.

But photography, now that really caught my attention. I took an intro course when I was still in college, thoroughly enjoyed it and only decided not to switch from a general Studio Art major to a more focused Photography major because I would have had to stay in school a few more semesters and I was already getting burnt out on school. Since then I have gotten my own digital camera (not saying much, as it's just a point-and-shoot, and I was the last person I know on this planet to get one) but I carry it with me everywhere I go. My boyfriend has a digital SLR and I love taking shots with that whenever I get a chance. I still have a lot to learn, but when I think about enrolling in a program and trying to make a living with photography (which I've heard enough times will be difficult. I know it takes skill and talent and hard work and luck) maybe with National Geographic (again- I know what the chances are here. I'm just talking about dream jobs here. Why not, right?) or in some industry that I haven't even been opened up to yet, I get really excited. I start thinking about all these wonderful, creative possibilities, and the idea has just stuck.

So anyways, I've begun considering it. Ph.D plans are on hold at least, until I figure out what I really want to do. The biggest challenge that going back to school for photography has thrown in my plans is financial. The majority of psychology programs I was looking at had assistantships that pretty much covered tuition. I just had to worry about living costs. Either with loans or by trying to find student housing on campus. No such situation with photography school. All of a sudden the possible student loans I'm taking out are looking like a looooot more. Granted, this is the one type of debt that I've always kind of considered ok. But still... being debt free until now, looking at $40k give or take in 2 years is kind of a daunting thought. So what do I do? Do I give in and take out the loans? Do I go part time? Overall not as cost effective per credit hour but perhaps more affordable on a quarter-to-quarter basis. Do I put it off for a few years and try to live as frugally as possible until then to see how much I can save up? To be honest, as smart as that last idea sounds, I'm so fed up with where I am now, and so ready to make a change that it is the least attractive idea currently. Now that I've identified a new path, I'm ready to get started!!!!

But I've never been one to jump into big decisions either. So I'm sitting on it. There's a program in town that offers 6 week digital courses. I can take a few of those over the next few months. Make sure that this is really what I want to do before committing to such expensive schooling- full time or not. If I find a way to stick out my current job- or at least a position within my current company through Spring of 2012 that'll be 5 years and I'll be fully vested in the pension plan they offer.

Ug. See what I mean? I can't decide. I'm torn. My responsible upbringing is fighting with my impatient desire to get on with my life. My parents give me good advice but then say that I'm not going to disappoint them with anything I do. But I worry that maybe I will. That even if they don't voice it they'll be worried about the amount of loans I'll be taking out if I enroll too soon. But is it all worth it if you end up with a job that you love?

Ok- ENOUGH!!! You get the point!!!!! That all took muuuuuuuch longer than I meant for it too. I simply meant to point out that I'm dealing with some decisions right now that are starting to make it hard to live my life on a day-to-day basis. So... I've started praying about it. I know I shouldn't wait until things get this stressful before I start praying, but I'm working on it. Lately I've been doing A LOT of praying about this.

Which brings me back to the point of this blog. (Well, the initial point, anyways.) We had a few visitors to our small group last night- the author of the BASIC material and a couple girls who have gone through, and lead, the material several times. After going through a rundown of the material, we went around and told our stories again so that we could all get introduced before starting an 8 week study together. And I kind of had an epiphany while telling my story. It was the same story I had told over a year ago to the other girls in my small group. One of on and off again church attendance, knowledge of God's love for me, and a desire to grow closer to God that I was more devoted to at some times than at others, but lacking any big-bang moment. The only new thing was what has happened over the past few months. While I was sitting there thinking about how to sum up my story, I started realizing that there have been several "coincidences" lately in my life. Now, I'm not one of those "I don't believe in coincidences" type people. Sometimes things just line up funny, and I really do believe that. But lately, things have just been connecting in more unusual ways than normal. And I can't help but wonder if someone's trying to get my attention.

First of all, the very day I started considering photography as a new possibility (I'm not lying- the VERY same day) I heard an add on the radio for an art school here in town that was having an open house that coming weekend. Secondly, that 4 week leadership program that I went to at church? Well, at the end of it they gave us the opportunity to sign up to volunteer in various areas within the church. I did not sign up for anything right then. I checked the box that said let me think about it and call me in a couple months. The area that did strike my interest though, was Care Ministries. But I didn't sign up because I didn't feel like I was ready, prepared for that kind of role. So imagine my surprise when I was reading the intro for this material and found out it was what they used to train people for that role! And lastly, if you read my last post where I was freaking out about life decisions, you would have run across a line where I was wondering if love should be my top priority in life. Well, as I was reading the intro material for this study, all of a sudden I came to a statement:

"Are you beginning to see how love is the key to life, the passion of the Father's heart, and the reason Jesus died for our sins? Now read I Corinthians 13:1-13 slowly, deliberately and ask God to help you see that love is not one of the most important things. It is the most important thing. (Ephesians 3:16-21)"

I'll let you look both those parts up for yourselves, but there was once verse that stopped me dead in my tracks:

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:17-19

I was just throwing out those questions last week as a rant. I wasn't asking anyone in particular. But God answered anyways. Right there on the page in front of me, in black and white. I was sitting there in my office during lunch and I started crying when I realized what I was reading. An answer to a prayer I didn't even know I was praying. But I still didn't get it. 

It was last night when I started telling my story, and I heard myself putting all the pieces together, that I finally started to get it. I don't have any big-bang part in my story yet, but I will. I have this undeniable feeling that God has something big planned for me. I don't know what it is, and I don't know when it's coming. But all of a sudden I just know. It's like He's been right there this whole time, reminding me from time to time that He's there, that I'm His, drawing me back to Him when I started straying too far.  Keeping me close for when my time got near. Preparing me. And I can just sense that this is one more step. The ladies that have gone through this study before both had amazing things to say about it, about what it opens us up to and teaches us about ourselves and about God and about the relationships He desires with us and for us with those around us. And I am so eager to find out what it is He wants to show me through this study!

I still have questions about what I'm supposed to do with my life (obviously!!!) and I don't know how all these little things are meant to line up together. But I know they connect somehow. And I know He'll continue to show me the way as I need to see it.

I have always been one who, despite following my heart in plenty of areas, really does enjoy seeing hard evidence when faced with decisions. I have lamented several times over the lack of biblical miracles in my life. How much easier would it be to know what God wants for us if He would just show up in another burning bush, or as a booming voice from the sky one day?!!! But I've resigned myself to just praying for discernment. A few months ago though, I had a dream. I know- whatever I'm about to say is going to sound crazy when introduced that way, but it's true. I woke up early one morning a little before my alarm was supposed to go off, and I had woken from a dream. I wont' go into the details, cuz dreams always sounds crazier than they seemed when you try to describe them after you've woken up. But suffice it to say that I had an encounter with the Lord in my dream. Like, I was running around with Jesus. (See- told you it sounded crazy.) But as I woke up, there was a weight pressing down upon me. Not a physical weight, but the kind of weight that you feel when you come to an important decision, or when you're thinking about something really big. But it wasn't my own thoughts pressing upon me. It was just this impression being pressed upon me. And I heard words spoken to me. Not aloud, but still very clearly I understood them. You sometimes hear people say that they were given a message, and you wonder what they mean. Did they get a general feeling that they then interpreted into a sentence used to describe what it was they were experiencing? And I know what they mean now when they say that's not the case, that they somehow sensed a very specific message. And the message being impressed upon me was "Yes, that was Me. And you're ok." It seems like a simple, almost pointless message. But again, it brought me to tears. I lay there in bed for several moments under this impression that was just being laid upon me. And I knew that God had just spoken to me. Not to charge me as He did Noah or Moses or any other famous biblical character. But just to let me know He was there. That He had been with me in my dream, and that He was always with me. And even when the weight of His message has passed, I was overcome with a sense of calm that I've never experienced before.

I'm not sure what the point of sharing that with you was, other than to just again explain this sense I've had lately of being drawn closer to Him, of His gentle reminders that He'll be there to guide me when I need it (and even when I think I don't!!)

I know this was a super long post! And waaaay more religious or spiritual than I normally get. So if this is your first time stopping by, just know not all my entries are this heavy!! And I hope I haven't just turned you off to coming by again!

But I really am excited to see what the next 8 weeks holds for me. And I expect I'll clue you in from time to time.

And I hope that you find evidence of God's presence in your life too!

Make it a Freaky Friday to Remember!

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!

I'm not superstitious, so I'm not going to tell everyone to be careful or watch out for mirrors and ladders and black cats (I have a black cat and he happens to be very sweet!) But I will tell you to make sure that you make this a memorable day. Go do something crazy or unexpected. Meet a stranger, or try something new! Go out of your way to make sure that today is not a day that fades into the blurry background of your life.

I have a horrible memory- anyone that knows me well at all can testify to that. And it makes me sad every time I think of all the things that I can't remember! From childhood moments to time spent with John- little things that just slip away before I realize I should have taken the time to savor the moment and etch it into my memory.

Unfortunately I think that's the norm. Anyone who can vividly recall a majority of their days has been blessed in a very rare way. But we can try to make moments last. Donald Miller mentions this in his blog today, Creating Memorable Scenes. He mentions it in A Million Miles also, when he talks about knowing someone who wrote down everything they could remember.

Can you imagine how many pages you would fill if you wrote down every thing you could remember? If at the end of the day you sat down and wrote out a detailed description of your day? It might seem worthless at the time, but how much of that is stuff that would be gone within a day? A week? A year? To be able to pick up a journal or click to a blog entry from 5 or 15 or 50 years ago and read exactly what you did on that day- that just seems so precious to me. Sure, it will be filled with a lot of "Had another bowl of cereal this morning," but imagine the precious moments you could save that would be lost otherwise? Moments you were sure you would always remember but have since forgotten? Or even moments that seemed unimportant at the time, that you have since come to cherish? Your last interaction with a lost loved one? Your first day as a wife? A mother? A grandmother?

I want to challenge anyone out there to try something. Sit down tonight and write down everything you can remember from these past 7 days. What you ate, what you wore, who you spoke with, what you watched before bed. Then for 7 days, starting tomorrow, sit down at the end of each day and write what you remember just from that day. Then next Friday, on the 20th, I want you to compare everything you have written down from that week to everything you were able to recall today from this past week.

Then come back and tell me about it!

I know this is a tough challenge. I'm not sure I'll be able to stick to it myself. It means setting aside time to do this every day. But I'm pretty sure it will be worth it. Will I end up sticking to this for the rest of my life? I can guarantee I won't. But the exercise will most definitely make me more aware of what I'm doing, what I'm remembering, and most importantly, what I'm doing to make sure the moments I'm creating along the way are memorable.

Inspiring Ideas

I have been so confused lately. About all sorts of things, but mainly centered around what I want to do with my life! I know I'm still young and have plenty of time to figure it out, but I'd like to have a pretty good idea and be well on my way towards making it happen by the time I'm married with kids and complicating my life in all sorts of wonderful related ways. And as some of the ideas I'm bouncing around include going back to school for various lengths of time or taking out student loans in various amounts, I've been stressing over the decision a bit lately.

In a word, I would say I am just restless. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that what I thought I wanted to do isn't in fact what I want to do anymore. I am not happy in my day job anymore. I am envious enough of my brother's brand new adventure to be asking God for forgiveness most nights. I find myself wishing for adventure but hesitating to pick up and just leave the things that I have going for me right now.

I think I have a good idea of what I want to start pursuing, but I have to find a way to fit a beginning for that life into my current life. And it's all just got me mood-swinging like crazy! One minute I'm weepy over my indecision, the next I'm taking control of my life and making bold decisions about what my next steps should be, only to find myself second guessing it all again a few hours later.

Luckily, I've had the chance to sit down with the people that mean the most to me in life and talk with them about everything that's been on my mind. One of those people I spoke with regarding all this chaos lent me a book I mentioned earlier: A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. And I just have to say that I am LOVING it!! Has it solved all my problems? No- absolutely not. It probably hasn't solved anything at all. But it has given me a wonderful perspective on what I'm going through. And it has just given me some insights into life in general that I think I was desperately lacking. I can't highlight all the wonderful tidbits that I find as I want to return the book as I received it, so I've decided to record them all right here! So that you can all benefit from them as well, and so that I can come back and remind myself of them whenever I need to. And who knows- maybe somewhere along the way you or me will have some inspired epiphany of our own!

Some of these are longer passages, some shorter. Some thought provoking and some just refreshing observations. Enjoy:

"We get robbed of the glory of life because we aren't capable of remembering how we got here. When you are born, you wake slowly to everything. Your brain doesn't stop growing until you turn twenty-six, so from birth to twenty-six, God is slowly turning the lights on, and you're groggy and pointing at things saying circle and blue and car and then sex and job and health care. The experience is so slow you easily come to believe life isn't that big of a deal, that life isn't staggering. What I'm saying is I think life is staggering and we're just used to it. We all are like spoiled children no longer impressed with the gifts we're given--it's just another sunset, just another rainstorm moving in over the mountain, just another child being born, just another funeral."

"I've wondered, though, if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgement. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants."

"I also knew from the McKee seminar that most of our greatest fears are relational. It's all that stuff about forgiveness and risking rejection and learning to love. We think stories are about getting money and security, but the truth is, it all comes down to relationships."

"If the point of life is the same as the point of a story, the point of life is character transformation.
...
in nearly every story, the protagonist is transformed. He's a jerk at the beginning and nice at the end, or a coward at the beginning and brave at the end. If the character doesn't change, the story hasn't happened yet. And if story if derived from real life, if story is just a condensed version of life, then life itself may be designed to change us, so that we evolve from one kind of person to another."

"'People get stuck, thinking they are one kind of person, but they aren't.'
...
'The human body essentially recreates itself every six months. Nearly every cell of hair and skin and bone dies and another is directed to its former place. You are not who you were in February,' he told me.
...
I also wondered if he wasn't right, that we were designed to live through something rather than to attain something, and the thing we were meant to live through was designed to change us."

"My friend went on to say he was more in love with his wife than ever, which is not something men usually say to each other, even if it's true... So I know he must really be crazy about his wife.
...
'She's amazing,'...'A baby came out of her body, for crying out loud. And now she produces food. She keeps the baby alive.'"

"I realized that the idea a character is what he does makes as much sense in life as it does in the movies... the stories we tell ourselves are very different from the stories we tell the world."

And my absolute favorite idea from this book so far:

"You get a feeling when you look back on life that that's all God really wants from us, to live inside a body he made and enjoy the story and bond with us through the experience."

As cliche as it sounds, I think a lot of my anxiety is currently coming from not knowing what the meaning/purpose of life is. Because if we really knew, we wouldn't have to figure out our priorities, would we? They'd be set:
~"The purpose of life is to find love? Well ok then! The people I love are all right here. I'm set! I'll just find a job that provides the most so that I can provide the most for them."
~"The purpose of life is to learn as much as we can about the world around us? Well then screw the cost, I'm going back to school! And I'm traveling! And I'm going to see as much and learn as much as I possibly can in the 80-some odd years I have on this planet."
~"The purpose of life is to grow as close to God as humanly possible? Then I'll quit my job, go to seminary school or get a position with the church and sign up for as many missionary trips as I can."

See what I mean? Ok- so maybe I was a bit extreme in those instances, but the point still remains that if I knew exactly what it was I was supposed to be trying to achieve, or what I was supposed to be trying to find, I'd have a much better idea of what I should be doing at this point in my life. I know no one has an answer they can give me, and I'm not expecting a letter from God to show up in the mailbox explaining it all to me just because I whine a bit.

So I'm just trying to pray as much as possible, get guidance from the people God DID put in my life, and open myself up to any direction He may subtly throw my way. And that last tidbit from Donald Miller did a HUGE amount in helping to ease my worry over such an epic question. I hope you found it as inspirational and thought provoking as I do!

Spring Cleaning

So a few posts ago I was pondering over which of my "What If..."s I was going to select at small group to focus on for the next week and check back in on next Wednesday. As it turns out, I didn't pick any of the items I mentioned in that post. I actually decided on "What if I finally cleaned out my closet?" (Which is good, cuz I was going to try the whole getting up earlier thing anyways and I already failed at that this morning. I'm going to keep trying, but that would have been a disheartening start to my What If adventure.)

So why did I pick this item on my list? Basically I'm hoping it will be a catalyst to help spring board the rest of it. I have admitted before that I am a hopeless, helpless pack rat. But that doesn't mean I'm happy about that fact. I really don't mean to hold on to so much crap, it's just that every time I try to start cleaning and throwing stuff out, the mountain of clutter is just so overwhelming that I get disheartened. Plus I get a crippling case of the "what if..."s (and not the good kind like this small group study... the bad kind that makes me think I'll immediately find a need for whatever it is I threw out right after the trash man picks it up.)

All this junk doesn't really do anything, though, other than get in my way and stress me out! Any time I actually feel like doing something productive, like painting or baking, I look around and realize that I would only be adding to the mess unless I clean up first, and my energy and enthusiasm for my would-be project just get sucked right out of me. I have actually attempted to declutter a number of times and just not gotten anywhere for all of these reasons. So I'm going to try one more time, with the hope that knowing my small group is expecting an update in a week's time (I promised them trash bags full of give-away clothes) I'll actually get somewhere. Granted, after agreeing to that I realized that the only time I'm going to be home and able to make any progress is tonight from about 5-6, Sunday evening for an hour or 2, and Monday evening from about 5-9. But hopefully if I really buckle down I can start making some headway.

I actually ran across a few really inspiring/helpful tips online today at Miss Minimalist. One entry zeroed in on a nasty habit I have of organizing rather than decluttering. Of course I want whatever I'm left with to be organized, but I'm going to try really hard to actually GET RID of stuff, because the simple fact is, no matter how organized I am, I currently have more stuff than I have space right now. The other tips were for how to keep my place decluttered after my purge. Hopefully by following a few strategies such as "one in, one out" and "one-a-day," I will feel inspired when I come home rather than bogged down with more work.

When we each announced what we would be working on in small group, we were asked "How will this change your story?" I am HOPING that if I can actually make some headway here, I will feel more at ease in my own home, keeping my home clean will take less effort, and I'll finally be able to just start whatever other projects I feel like without having to spend hours tidying up first. I'll feel more organized in general and, as silly as this may seem, better equipped to take on the world. If I can take on the monster that is my closet (and linen closet and desk drawers and storage closet) then just maybe I can tackle everything else on my growing-up list!

Foooooooooooooood!!!!!!

Ok, this is kind of a random post, but I'm bored and I've got food on the brain, so I thought I'd turn it into something constructive.

I am totally psyched about this new cookbook I got the other day. It's called Frame-by-Frame Baking and it's AMAZING!!! Not only does it help you make sure you're doing everything right with pictures of each step (rather than just one picture of the finished product) but all those extra pictures actually make your mouth water that much more when reading through the recipes!!! This same line of books has at least one other(Frame-by-Frame Quick and Easy) but as I'm more of a baker than anything else, I got this one. I cannot wait to bake my way through it.

At the same time as I got this new book, I also purchased a tart pan. "Why?" you may ask. Not really so I could bake tarts. That is one added bonus, as I don't currently have a tart pan. But no, I bought this particular pan because it had what looked to be an amazing peanut-butter-banana tart recipe on the packaging. Yes, I'm that kind of person.

I have also come across (or been sent) numerous recipes online, or simply pictures of items which I plan on attempting to divine the recipe for.

Bottom line? I have A LOT of baking to do!!! So I think I'm going to attempt, among everything else I have going on in my crazy life, to start baking one new thing each week. I figure that's not too lofty a goal, and should be easy enough to work into my budget. No budget-breaking, career-interrupting craziness here like in Julie and Julia (Though that was an awesome movie! And one more thing that inspired me to start my own blog!)

So in order to keep track of my baking endeavors, I'm going to keep a running list (see new sidebar gadget) of every new recipe I attempt in the coming days. If I can ever find the battery charger for my camera, I'll post pictures as well.

Feel free to send suggestions my way :)

Plans and Decision Making

So I've got a few friends started on What If... lists of their own. I'm still super excited about small group tomorrow. I still have to decide what on my list I'm going to really focus on for the next week. I'd like to look into painting at the children's hospital. I need to do some research regarding what it is I want to do (determine if it's healthy/feasible/etc) and then, if that all checks out, find out who I need to talk to in order to get permission and really make this happen. If it worked out, it would be a really neat way to get myself painting again while also volunteering within the community. However- I'm hesitant in that area because I simply do not have the time in my schedule right now to commit even one day a week if I WAS able to work it all out. However, I know we're supposed to step out of our comfort zones with this dare. So perhaps I can at least take the first few steps towards getting my idea organized. Set up a time to go talk to someone perhaps? If I get the details worked out I could plan on actually starting mid-June when my schedule calms down a bit.

However, the "what if..." that I choose (for this purpose) also needs to be something that I can actually make progress on in a week. With that in mind, I'm thinking about perhaps either trying to get up earlier each day, or trying to run everyday. If I ran in the morning before work I'd be killing 2 birds with 1 stone!

We'll see. I've got a little while longer to think about it.

In the mean time, I got to hang out with some friends I haven't seen recently today, so that was nice. We met up for pizza and got to catch up. And I'm ending my day with a movie with my boyfriend :) Jumanji. Haven't watched this movie in forever. Used to be a fave of my family's though. It was one of our go-to movies if all else failed. Hopefully it won't disappoint tonight...

What if...?

So I know it's been forever. I totally f-a-i-l-e-d at the whole keeping this going thing. I thought a million times about coming back and posting, but either it had been too long and I had too much to say, or I felt so guilty for staying away for so long that I couldn't bring myself to write anything, or a million other reasons. But an email I got today has inspired me, so here I am. My small group is doing a short "What If" study for the next couple weeks and I am already IN LOVE with it. We read this post (http://donmilleris.com/2010/03/25/the-single-most-powerful-question-you-can-ask/) and were asked to come up with our own list of 5 What If's. Then we're going to read them to the group and follow up on them in coming weeks. Well, I got started, and just like everyone that commented on the post, I couldn't stop at 5. And I wanted to share. So here they are. I have a feeling I've just created a list I'll be adding to for years to come.

What If...
What if I started a journal and KEPT it?
What if I got up earlier (on time) each day?
What if I stopped watching tv?
What if I looked into painting at the children's hospital?
What if I started my newsletter?
What if I really started baking?
What if I painted a little bit every day?
What if I refused to jump to negative conclusions?
What if I ran everyday?
What if I called my family just to say hi?
What if I stuck to my budget?
What if I finally cleaned out my closet?
What if I wrote a book?
What if I went on a mission trip?
What if I volunteered at church again?
What if I went to church every week?
What if I prototyped my invention?
What if I learned Spanish?
What if I learned guitar?


(ps- if you want an update on all the things I originally started this blog for, here's the short list:
-I failed at keeping up P90X first time around but am ending Week 8 of my second attempt tonight- this time with a friend.
-I have marginally improved my eating habits, including a few crash diets, and am now roughly 8-10 pounds (depending on the day) lighter than when I started this blog.
-I typed out my budget yesterday and created a Google Doc to help me stay on course. Hoping this Friday (payday) will be the start of that.
-I renewed my determination to get to the doctor's today and printed off info about my health insurance plan.
-I have made 0 progress on the cleaning out the closet front or the church attendance/volunteer efforts. Hence the listings in my What If list.)


What would be on YOUR "What If" list?

Artistic Inspiration

If you asked my friends what I "am", among other things you would hear the terms "artist" or "artistic" used at least a couple times. But, I have a confession to make.

I AM A FRAUD!!!!

Yes, I love art. I love painting and drawing and reading about/looking at other artists' works. And yes I majored in Studio Art. And yes I have drawers and drawers full of artistic supplies and boxes upon boxes of possibly useful "what if" crap.

But the truth is, besides the cast I painted last year (they wouldn't give me the fun colors, so I had to spice up the boring white cast on my own) I have not completed a work of art since my last assignment in school. I don't really "doodle". You know those people that you just know are artists, cuz they're always carrying around a note book and when you look through it your jaw drops open because of all the cool sketches and half-finished ideas that make this book a work of art all by itself? I'm not like that. I've tried. It just doesn't work. In past art classes we've been assigned a notebook that would get checked at the beginning of each class. We were supposed to carry it with us at all times and jot down any ideas we had or sketch our surroundings when we were bored or lacking inspiration. And I found myself hurriedly sketching 5 random objects on my way to class each time in order to have something to turn in. I don't know if the objects around me don't inspire me enough, or if I'm just too darn lazy to pick up a pencil or paintbrush and do something about it when I am inspired. It's probably a bit of both. It seems that most of the time when I really am hit with an idea, it's when I'm driving down the road, or somehow otherwise unable to jot down my thoughts.

I have a couple small sketches of ideas lying around my place. And one unfinished painting that I haven't touched since the first layer I put down over a year ago. I kept it up on my easel for months and months. Meant to either inspire or shame me into getting back to it. Then I took down the easel to make way for my Christmas tree, which has yet to come down. And now I'm not sure whether I should put my art stuff back there when I do finally take it down. I've even taken requests from friends, hoping that the sense of an "assignment" might spur me into action. But so far? Nothing.

Another contributing factor is a slight lack of funds. I'm not sure exactly what the idea of a starving artist puts into people's minds. (Whether they think all the person's $$ went into art supplies and that's why they're starving, or if they were broke in the first place and art supplies just aren't that expensive, and therefore the only thing the person can afford.) But I'll tell you truth. Art supplies are EXPENSIVE. Yeah, I guess I could be some sort of sculptor that uses found objects. I've considered that idea before (hence the boxes of junk lying around my place). Or I could glean the dye from Skittles and M&Ms and mix it with toothpaste in order to create my own pigments (some guy in prison in the book I'm reading currently does that). But really, that Skittle idea just sounds like waaaaaay too much work, and in order to have enough pigment, I'd probly have to cough up just as much $$ for candy as I would on a paint set anyway. And the materials and work space needed to put all that found junk together into a sculpture is also just as expensive.

All of that to say, I only have so much paint, and so many canvases, and I am TERRIFIED of the idea that I'll start a project, hate it, and have wasted all those materials in the end. But I'm also a pack-rat that is inevitably wondering "what if" and I would be completely incapable of just gessoing over a "bad" piece for fear that I'd later think of the perfect way to fix it, or decide that I did, in fact, like it.

So, with all of that out there, I am now going to add to my list of personal improvements I want to make this year. As Joey said in the ever-brilliant-and-relevant 90's hit Friends, "Those special skills I have listed on my resume? I would love if one of those was true." Not the exact same situation, but I sure would like to actually feel like an artist when my friends next describe me that way.

And thanks to Groupon, I took the first step in that direction today with a coupon for $50 worth of stuff at Binders Art Supplies. I went and got 7 new canvases. The thinking there is that the more canvases I have, the more OK it will be to start a painting- and possibly screw up- on one of them. I won't feel like anything I put down on precious canvas will have to be a masterpiece. I also got a new brush set complete with rolling carrier bag, and a closing palette/storage container for my paints. These are going to be part of the supplies that I'm taking up to my boyfriend's place, with the hope that by having supplies at hand in both locations, I'll be reminded/inspired more often to work.

In addition to getting supplies, I did a little looking around online to see about ways to overcome artistic block. I was also looking for at-home assignments I could give myself in order to get past my inability to just doodle and inspire myself. I ended up at a great site that I think is really going to help me out. I've run across About.com in previous searches, but never really paid it any mind or stopped to really find out what it was, but the About.com:Painting site is really really great! Not only are there forums for everything under the sun related to painting, including tons of suggestions for overcoming artistic block, but there is a project page where a separate project is assigned every month! There are tutorial videos and people that will critique pieces that you submit. I'm super excited about sitting down for a few hours this weekend and just sorting through all the great resources!

I will admit that I'm hesitant to put too many parameters around this new resolution. I have so many other things on my plate, and I don't want to take on so much that I can't live up to any of my new goals. So right now I'm going to start with VERY TINY steps and set myself a goal of completing 2 pieces this year. I know it doesn't seem like much, but since that one piece has been sitting untouched for over a year now, it would definitely be an improvement. I might actually try some of these online projects and submit my final pieces. Or I might just look through the submissions and get inspired there. We'll see. And if I hit the 2 piece mark sooner than I thought possible, hopefully I'll keep right on going!

I'll be sure to upload pictures of any progress I make in coming months!