Coincidence? Or Godly Evidence?

Watching: Father of the Bride
Fave Quote: "Well, that's the thing about life, is uh, the surprises--the little things that sneak up on you and grab hold of you."

OMG! I am sooooo excited about the study my small group is starting (well, started?) this week. We met yesterday and got the material and kind of did a run down of what to expect. We're doing a study called BASIC. I haven't done it yet, obviously, but from what I've read and been told so far, it's basically about learning what you have in your heart that's blocking you from being able to accept Christ's love fully and shine it back on the world, and then getting rid of whatever it is you identify. Sounds kind of weird when I put it like that, but example: this study was (is?) used at my church as training for people that go into Care Ministry, which again is not something I've participated in but from what I understand is kind of a peer-to-peer type counseling that North Point Ministries offers. It's a service area that you can volunteer in. And the point of the training is to open yourself up to God's comfort so that you can then fully understand what it means to be comforted and only then be able to effectively comfort others.

So let me back up a moment. You may have read recently in a few of my entries that I've been dealing lately with some potential life change and it's got me all confused in the head. Long story short, I was going to go back to school for my Ph.D in Industrial and Organizational Psychology (a mouth full, isn't it?) And less than 2 months ago I all of a sudden started questioning whether that was what I should/wanted to do. I started considering other things that I might want to do with my life instead and what would make me happiest. The first 2 ideas that popped into my head were marine biology and photography. The first, while definitely something I've expressed a mild interest in since I was younger, would require starting ALL OVER with school. Like, go back, take more science, get a new bachelors. I already have 2 of those. I really didn't feel drawn in that direction enough to validate going back and getting a 3rd.

But photography, now that really caught my attention. I took an intro course when I was still in college, thoroughly enjoyed it and only decided not to switch from a general Studio Art major to a more focused Photography major because I would have had to stay in school a few more semesters and I was already getting burnt out on school. Since then I have gotten my own digital camera (not saying much, as it's just a point-and-shoot, and I was the last person I know on this planet to get one) but I carry it with me everywhere I go. My boyfriend has a digital SLR and I love taking shots with that whenever I get a chance. I still have a lot to learn, but when I think about enrolling in a program and trying to make a living with photography (which I've heard enough times will be difficult. I know it takes skill and talent and hard work and luck) maybe with National Geographic (again- I know what the chances are here. I'm just talking about dream jobs here. Why not, right?) or in some industry that I haven't even been opened up to yet, I get really excited. I start thinking about all these wonderful, creative possibilities, and the idea has just stuck.

So anyways, I've begun considering it. Ph.D plans are on hold at least, until I figure out what I really want to do. The biggest challenge that going back to school for photography has thrown in my plans is financial. The majority of psychology programs I was looking at had assistantships that pretty much covered tuition. I just had to worry about living costs. Either with loans or by trying to find student housing on campus. No such situation with photography school. All of a sudden the possible student loans I'm taking out are looking like a looooot more. Granted, this is the one type of debt that I've always kind of considered ok. But still... being debt free until now, looking at $40k give or take in 2 years is kind of a daunting thought. So what do I do? Do I give in and take out the loans? Do I go part time? Overall not as cost effective per credit hour but perhaps more affordable on a quarter-to-quarter basis. Do I put it off for a few years and try to live as frugally as possible until then to see how much I can save up? To be honest, as smart as that last idea sounds, I'm so fed up with where I am now, and so ready to make a change that it is the least attractive idea currently. Now that I've identified a new path, I'm ready to get started!!!!

But I've never been one to jump into big decisions either. So I'm sitting on it. There's a program in town that offers 6 week digital courses. I can take a few of those over the next few months. Make sure that this is really what I want to do before committing to such expensive schooling- full time or not. If I find a way to stick out my current job- or at least a position within my current company through Spring of 2012 that'll be 5 years and I'll be fully vested in the pension plan they offer.

Ug. See what I mean? I can't decide. I'm torn. My responsible upbringing is fighting with my impatient desire to get on with my life. My parents give me good advice but then say that I'm not going to disappoint them with anything I do. But I worry that maybe I will. That even if they don't voice it they'll be worried about the amount of loans I'll be taking out if I enroll too soon. But is it all worth it if you end up with a job that you love?

Ok- ENOUGH!!! You get the point!!!!! That all took muuuuuuuch longer than I meant for it too. I simply meant to point out that I'm dealing with some decisions right now that are starting to make it hard to live my life on a day-to-day basis. So... I've started praying about it. I know I shouldn't wait until things get this stressful before I start praying, but I'm working on it. Lately I've been doing A LOT of praying about this.

Which brings me back to the point of this blog. (Well, the initial point, anyways.) We had a few visitors to our small group last night- the author of the BASIC material and a couple girls who have gone through, and lead, the material several times. After going through a rundown of the material, we went around and told our stories again so that we could all get introduced before starting an 8 week study together. And I kind of had an epiphany while telling my story. It was the same story I had told over a year ago to the other girls in my small group. One of on and off again church attendance, knowledge of God's love for me, and a desire to grow closer to God that I was more devoted to at some times than at others, but lacking any big-bang moment. The only new thing was what has happened over the past few months. While I was sitting there thinking about how to sum up my story, I started realizing that there have been several "coincidences" lately in my life. Now, I'm not one of those "I don't believe in coincidences" type people. Sometimes things just line up funny, and I really do believe that. But lately, things have just been connecting in more unusual ways than normal. And I can't help but wonder if someone's trying to get my attention.

First of all, the very day I started considering photography as a new possibility (I'm not lying- the VERY same day) I heard an add on the radio for an art school here in town that was having an open house that coming weekend. Secondly, that 4 week leadership program that I went to at church? Well, at the end of it they gave us the opportunity to sign up to volunteer in various areas within the church. I did not sign up for anything right then. I checked the box that said let me think about it and call me in a couple months. The area that did strike my interest though, was Care Ministries. But I didn't sign up because I didn't feel like I was ready, prepared for that kind of role. So imagine my surprise when I was reading the intro for this material and found out it was what they used to train people for that role! And lastly, if you read my last post where I was freaking out about life decisions, you would have run across a line where I was wondering if love should be my top priority in life. Well, as I was reading the intro material for this study, all of a sudden I came to a statement:

"Are you beginning to see how love is the key to life, the passion of the Father's heart, and the reason Jesus died for our sins? Now read I Corinthians 13:1-13 slowly, deliberately and ask God to help you see that love is not one of the most important things. It is the most important thing. (Ephesians 3:16-21)"

I'll let you look both those parts up for yourselves, but there was once verse that stopped me dead in my tracks:

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:17-19

I was just throwing out those questions last week as a rant. I wasn't asking anyone in particular. But God answered anyways. Right there on the page in front of me, in black and white. I was sitting there in my office during lunch and I started crying when I realized what I was reading. An answer to a prayer I didn't even know I was praying. But I still didn't get it. 

It was last night when I started telling my story, and I heard myself putting all the pieces together, that I finally started to get it. I don't have any big-bang part in my story yet, but I will. I have this undeniable feeling that God has something big planned for me. I don't know what it is, and I don't know when it's coming. But all of a sudden I just know. It's like He's been right there this whole time, reminding me from time to time that He's there, that I'm His, drawing me back to Him when I started straying too far.  Keeping me close for when my time got near. Preparing me. And I can just sense that this is one more step. The ladies that have gone through this study before both had amazing things to say about it, about what it opens us up to and teaches us about ourselves and about God and about the relationships He desires with us and for us with those around us. And I am so eager to find out what it is He wants to show me through this study!

I still have questions about what I'm supposed to do with my life (obviously!!!) and I don't know how all these little things are meant to line up together. But I know they connect somehow. And I know He'll continue to show me the way as I need to see it.

I have always been one who, despite following my heart in plenty of areas, really does enjoy seeing hard evidence when faced with decisions. I have lamented several times over the lack of biblical miracles in my life. How much easier would it be to know what God wants for us if He would just show up in another burning bush, or as a booming voice from the sky one day?!!! But I've resigned myself to just praying for discernment. A few months ago though, I had a dream. I know- whatever I'm about to say is going to sound crazy when introduced that way, but it's true. I woke up early one morning a little before my alarm was supposed to go off, and I had woken from a dream. I wont' go into the details, cuz dreams always sounds crazier than they seemed when you try to describe them after you've woken up. But suffice it to say that I had an encounter with the Lord in my dream. Like, I was running around with Jesus. (See- told you it sounded crazy.) But as I woke up, there was a weight pressing down upon me. Not a physical weight, but the kind of weight that you feel when you come to an important decision, or when you're thinking about something really big. But it wasn't my own thoughts pressing upon me. It was just this impression being pressed upon me. And I heard words spoken to me. Not aloud, but still very clearly I understood them. You sometimes hear people say that they were given a message, and you wonder what they mean. Did they get a general feeling that they then interpreted into a sentence used to describe what it was they were experiencing? And I know what they mean now when they say that's not the case, that they somehow sensed a very specific message. And the message being impressed upon me was "Yes, that was Me. And you're ok." It seems like a simple, almost pointless message. But again, it brought me to tears. I lay there in bed for several moments under this impression that was just being laid upon me. And I knew that God had just spoken to me. Not to charge me as He did Noah or Moses or any other famous biblical character. But just to let me know He was there. That He had been with me in my dream, and that He was always with me. And even when the weight of His message has passed, I was overcome with a sense of calm that I've never experienced before.

I'm not sure what the point of sharing that with you was, other than to just again explain this sense I've had lately of being drawn closer to Him, of His gentle reminders that He'll be there to guide me when I need it (and even when I think I don't!!)

I know this was a super long post! And waaaay more religious or spiritual than I normally get. So if this is your first time stopping by, just know not all my entries are this heavy!! And I hope I haven't just turned you off to coming by again!

But I really am excited to see what the next 8 weeks holds for me. And I expect I'll clue you in from time to time.

And I hope that you find evidence of God's presence in your life too!

Inspiring Ideas

I have been so confused lately. About all sorts of things, but mainly centered around what I want to do with my life! I know I'm still young and have plenty of time to figure it out, but I'd like to have a pretty good idea and be well on my way towards making it happen by the time I'm married with kids and complicating my life in all sorts of wonderful related ways. And as some of the ideas I'm bouncing around include going back to school for various lengths of time or taking out student loans in various amounts, I've been stressing over the decision a bit lately.

In a word, I would say I am just restless. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that what I thought I wanted to do isn't in fact what I want to do anymore. I am not happy in my day job anymore. I am envious enough of my brother's brand new adventure to be asking God for forgiveness most nights. I find myself wishing for adventure but hesitating to pick up and just leave the things that I have going for me right now.

I think I have a good idea of what I want to start pursuing, but I have to find a way to fit a beginning for that life into my current life. And it's all just got me mood-swinging like crazy! One minute I'm weepy over my indecision, the next I'm taking control of my life and making bold decisions about what my next steps should be, only to find myself second guessing it all again a few hours later.

Luckily, I've had the chance to sit down with the people that mean the most to me in life and talk with them about everything that's been on my mind. One of those people I spoke with regarding all this chaos lent me a book I mentioned earlier: A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. And I just have to say that I am LOVING it!! Has it solved all my problems? No- absolutely not. It probably hasn't solved anything at all. But it has given me a wonderful perspective on what I'm going through. And it has just given me some insights into life in general that I think I was desperately lacking. I can't highlight all the wonderful tidbits that I find as I want to return the book as I received it, so I've decided to record them all right here! So that you can all benefit from them as well, and so that I can come back and remind myself of them whenever I need to. And who knows- maybe somewhere along the way you or me will have some inspired epiphany of our own!

Some of these are longer passages, some shorter. Some thought provoking and some just refreshing observations. Enjoy:

"We get robbed of the glory of life because we aren't capable of remembering how we got here. When you are born, you wake slowly to everything. Your brain doesn't stop growing until you turn twenty-six, so from birth to twenty-six, God is slowly turning the lights on, and you're groggy and pointing at things saying circle and blue and car and then sex and job and health care. The experience is so slow you easily come to believe life isn't that big of a deal, that life isn't staggering. What I'm saying is I think life is staggering and we're just used to it. We all are like spoiled children no longer impressed with the gifts we're given--it's just another sunset, just another rainstorm moving in over the mountain, just another child being born, just another funeral."

"I've wondered, though, if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgement. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants."

"I also knew from the McKee seminar that most of our greatest fears are relational. It's all that stuff about forgiveness and risking rejection and learning to love. We think stories are about getting money and security, but the truth is, it all comes down to relationships."

"If the point of life is the same as the point of a story, the point of life is character transformation.
...
in nearly every story, the protagonist is transformed. He's a jerk at the beginning and nice at the end, or a coward at the beginning and brave at the end. If the character doesn't change, the story hasn't happened yet. And if story if derived from real life, if story is just a condensed version of life, then life itself may be designed to change us, so that we evolve from one kind of person to another."

"'People get stuck, thinking they are one kind of person, but they aren't.'
...
'The human body essentially recreates itself every six months. Nearly every cell of hair and skin and bone dies and another is directed to its former place. You are not who you were in February,' he told me.
...
I also wondered if he wasn't right, that we were designed to live through something rather than to attain something, and the thing we were meant to live through was designed to change us."

"My friend went on to say he was more in love with his wife than ever, which is not something men usually say to each other, even if it's true... So I know he must really be crazy about his wife.
...
'She's amazing,'...'A baby came out of her body, for crying out loud. And now she produces food. She keeps the baby alive.'"

"I realized that the idea a character is what he does makes as much sense in life as it does in the movies... the stories we tell ourselves are very different from the stories we tell the world."

And my absolute favorite idea from this book so far:

"You get a feeling when you look back on life that that's all God really wants from us, to live inside a body he made and enjoy the story and bond with us through the experience."

As cliche as it sounds, I think a lot of my anxiety is currently coming from not knowing what the meaning/purpose of life is. Because if we really knew, we wouldn't have to figure out our priorities, would we? They'd be set:
~"The purpose of life is to find love? Well ok then! The people I love are all right here. I'm set! I'll just find a job that provides the most so that I can provide the most for them."
~"The purpose of life is to learn as much as we can about the world around us? Well then screw the cost, I'm going back to school! And I'm traveling! And I'm going to see as much and learn as much as I possibly can in the 80-some odd years I have on this planet."
~"The purpose of life is to grow as close to God as humanly possible? Then I'll quit my job, go to seminary school or get a position with the church and sign up for as many missionary trips as I can."

See what I mean? Ok- so maybe I was a bit extreme in those instances, but the point still remains that if I knew exactly what it was I was supposed to be trying to achieve, or what I was supposed to be trying to find, I'd have a much better idea of what I should be doing at this point in my life. I know no one has an answer they can give me, and I'm not expecting a letter from God to show up in the mailbox explaining it all to me just because I whine a bit.

So I'm just trying to pray as much as possible, get guidance from the people God DID put in my life, and open myself up to any direction He may subtly throw my way. And that last tidbit from Donald Miller did a HUGE amount in helping to ease my worry over such an epic question. I hope you found it as inspirational and thought provoking as I do!

Another attempt

So here I am again. Umm..... about 3 months after my last blog? Anyways, this will consist of whatever brief update I have time for in the 10 minutes before dinner is ready. Prepare for a random list, but hopefully I'll expand on several items in later posts.

~I finished P90X- kind of wimped out at the end, but then I did a month-long boot camp: an hour workout at 5:45am 5 days a week. It kicked my butt in a good way. I'm currently on an exercise hiatus, lol. Hoping to start running either during lunch (I found a shower at work I can use) or after work sometime soon.

~John and I got all dressed up and went to the fabulous Fox theater to see the Phantom of the Opera's farewell tour. One of my favorites!!! It was wonderful. I cried at the end like always!


~I've signed the non-renewal form at my current apartment complex and am looking forward to moving into a new place- I've figured out the complex, I just have to decide on the unit, but I think after today I'm much closer to a decision.

~I have actually baked ONE item since going on and on about how excited I was to get into that! It wasn't anything out of any of my new cookbooks, however. It was a German Chocolate Cake for John's birthday :) We celebrated with his family one weekend during a family reunion at Brosnan Forest in SC, and then the next weekend he and I celebrated with a trip to the Stone Mountain Laser show, a behinds the scene tour at the Ga Aquarium, lunch at the Sundial restaurant down town, and then with a surprise party at my place! I think it all went over very well :)



Mom- I still owe you a banana cake. Don't worry- you'll get it soon!

~I have also started a couple paintings. There's not much there yet, but there are 2 fewer blank canvases sitting in my apartment at this moment, so that's a start!

~I recently co-founded a book club with some of my friends. Our first meeting is scheduled for middle of next month. For our first meeting we'll be reading The Wildwater Walking Club. I've also started reading a book my friend lent me, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. So far I'm loving it!

~I'm currently trying to figure out whether I want to continue down the path I had laid out for myself school/career wise, or if I want to try a different yellow-brick-road. I'm leaning toward the latter, I just have to figure out the details. Definitely more on that to come later.

~John's family unfortunately saw each other again not too long after that same family reunion mentioned above. His grandfather passed away unexpectedly and I went with him and his siblings down to the funeral in Savannah. The ceremony was a beautiful celebration of Ryan Garner's life. I'm sad I didn't get a chance to know him better or play that game of one-on-one Scrabble, but I can testify that he was a man that believed in hard work and loved his wife and his family and the Lord above all else. He will be missed but remembered fondly for a very long time.

~I'm still enjoying my church small group. I also recently attended a 4 week leadership program through the church. We heard different speakers on what it means to be a spiritual leader, got to find out what kind of leader we are and were given the opportunity to sign up for various leadership roles within the volunteer community at the church. I haven't signed up for anything yet, but I'm doing a little soul searching and am looking forward to picking a role. I have been to church the last 3 weeks in a row- very proud of myself for that. Missed today as I was home with family all weekend, but perhaps I can watch today's message online and get back on track next week.

~My brother left today for a year long placement teaching English in South Korea to elementary- to middle-school aged children. My fam saw him off at the airport and I cried. I'll miss him a ton, but I'm so proud of him for doing this. He's really an inspiration to me sometimes. As you might expect, I spent this whole weekend with my family hanging out and saying goodbye to my brother. We were unsure when he was leaving at first, so we spent last weekend having a goodbye party for him and spending a day/night at Calloway Gardens. When we found out his flight was today, we got to spend another weekend together. The siblings (plus John) headed to the Andretti Karting facility in Alpharetta for a day of fun, followed by Davey's last Mexican meal for quite a while.

This morning he got his last Waffle House breakfast before we saw him off.



And for now, I'm going to finish watching Inkheart with my dad and sister before heading back to my place for the night. Hopefully you'll hear more from me before 3 months next time :)

PS- Davey, wherever you are over the Pacific right now, I hope you're loving it!!!

What if...?

So I know it's been forever. I totally f-a-i-l-e-d at the whole keeping this going thing. I thought a million times about coming back and posting, but either it had been too long and I had too much to say, or I felt so guilty for staying away for so long that I couldn't bring myself to write anything, or a million other reasons. But an email I got today has inspired me, so here I am. My small group is doing a short "What If" study for the next couple weeks and I am already IN LOVE with it. We read this post (http://donmilleris.com/2010/03/25/the-single-most-powerful-question-you-can-ask/) and were asked to come up with our own list of 5 What If's. Then we're going to read them to the group and follow up on them in coming weeks. Well, I got started, and just like everyone that commented on the post, I couldn't stop at 5. And I wanted to share. So here they are. I have a feeling I've just created a list I'll be adding to for years to come.

What If...
What if I started a journal and KEPT it?
What if I got up earlier (on time) each day?
What if I stopped watching tv?
What if I looked into painting at the children's hospital?
What if I started my newsletter?
What if I really started baking?
What if I painted a little bit every day?
What if I refused to jump to negative conclusions?
What if I ran everyday?
What if I called my family just to say hi?
What if I stuck to my budget?
What if I finally cleaned out my closet?
What if I wrote a book?
What if I went on a mission trip?
What if I volunteered at church again?
What if I went to church every week?
What if I prototyped my invention?
What if I learned Spanish?
What if I learned guitar?


(ps- if you want an update on all the things I originally started this blog for, here's the short list:
-I failed at keeping up P90X first time around but am ending Week 8 of my second attempt tonight- this time with a friend.
-I have marginally improved my eating habits, including a few crash diets, and am now roughly 8-10 pounds (depending on the day) lighter than when I started this blog.
-I typed out my budget yesterday and created a Google Doc to help me stay on course. Hoping this Friday (payday) will be the start of that.
-I renewed my determination to get to the doctor's today and printed off info about my health insurance plan.
-I have made 0 progress on the cleaning out the closet front or the church attendance/volunteer efforts. Hence the listings in my What If list.)


What would be on YOUR "What If" list?