Fave Quote: "Well, that's the thing about life, is uh, the surprises--the little things that sneak up on you and grab hold of you."
OMG! I am sooooo excited about the study my small group is starting (well, started?) this week. We met yesterday and got the material and kind of did a run down of what to expect. We're doing a study called BASIC. I haven't done it yet, obviously, but from what I've read and been told so far, it's basically about learning what you have in your heart that's blocking you from being able to accept Christ's love fully and shine it back on the world, and then getting rid of whatever it is you identify. Sounds kind of weird when I put it like that, but example: this study was (is?) used at my church as training for people that go into Care Ministry, which again is not something I've participated in but from what I understand is kind of a peer-to-peer type counseling that North Point Ministries offers. It's a service area that you can volunteer in. And the point of the training is to open yourself up to God's comfort so that you can then fully understand what it means to be comforted and only then be able to effectively comfort others.
So let me back up a moment. You may have read recently in a few of my entries that I've been dealing lately with some potential life change and it's got me all confused in the head. Long story short, I was going to go back to school for my Ph.D in Industrial and Organizational Psychology (a mouth full, isn't it?) And less than 2 months ago I all of a sudden started questioning whether that was what I should/wanted to do. I started considering other things that I might want to do with my life instead and what would make me happiest. The first 2 ideas that popped into my head were marine biology and photography. The first, while definitely something I've expressed a mild interest in since I was younger, would require starting ALL OVER with school. Like, go back, take more science, get a new bachelors. I already have 2 of those. I really didn't feel drawn in that direction enough to validate going back and getting a 3rd.
But photography, now that really caught my attention. I took an intro course when I was still in college, thoroughly enjoyed it and only decided not to switch from a general Studio Art major to a more focused Photography major because I would have had to stay in school a few more semesters and I was already getting burnt out on school. Since then I have gotten my own digital camera (not saying much, as it's just a point-and-shoot, and I was the last person I know on this planet to get one) but I carry it with me everywhere I go. My boyfriend has a digital SLR and I love taking shots with that whenever I get a chance. I still have a lot to learn, but when I think about enrolling in a program and trying to make a living with photography (which I've heard enough times will be difficult. I know it takes skill and talent and hard work and luck) maybe with National Geographic (again- I know what the chances are here. I'm just talking about dream jobs here. Why not, right?) or in some industry that I haven't even been opened up to yet, I get really excited. I start thinking about all these wonderful, creative possibilities, and the idea has just stuck.
So anyways, I've begun considering it. Ph.D plans are on hold at least, until I figure out what I really want to do. The biggest challenge that going back to school for photography has thrown in my plans is financial. The majority of psychology programs I was looking at had assistantships that pretty much covered tuition. I just had to worry about living costs. Either with loans or by trying to find student housing on campus. No such situation with photography school. All of a sudden the possible student loans I'm taking out are looking like a looooot more. Granted, this is the one type of debt that I've always kind of considered ok. But still... being debt free until now, looking at $40k give or take in 2 years is kind of a daunting thought. So what do I do? Do I give in and take out the loans? Do I go part time? Overall not as cost effective per credit hour but perhaps more affordable on a quarter-to-quarter basis. Do I put it off for a few years and try to live as frugally as possible until then to see how much I can save up? To be honest, as smart as that last idea sounds, I'm so fed up with where I am now, and so ready to make a change that it is the least attractive idea currently. Now that I've identified a new path, I'm ready to get started!!!!
But I've never been one to jump into big decisions either. So I'm sitting on it. There's a program in town that offers 6 week digital courses. I can take a few of those over the next few months. Make sure that this is really what I want to do before committing to such expensive schooling- full time or not. If I find a way to stick out my current job- or at least a position within my current company through Spring of 2012 that'll be 5 years and I'll be fully vested in the pension plan they offer.
Ug. See what I mean? I can't decide. I'm torn. My responsible upbringing is fighting with my impatient desire to get on with my life. My parents give me good advice but then say that I'm not going to disappoint them with anything I do. But I worry that maybe I will. That even if they don't voice it they'll be worried about the amount of loans I'll be taking out if I enroll too soon. But is it all worth it if you end up with a job that you love?
Ok- ENOUGH!!! You get the point!!!!! That all took muuuuuuuch longer than I meant for it too. I simply meant to point out that I'm dealing with some decisions right now that are starting to make it hard to live my life on a day-to-day basis. So... I've started praying about it. I know I shouldn't wait until things get this stressful before I start praying, but I'm working on it. Lately I've been doing A LOT of praying about this.
Which brings me back to the point of this blog. (Well, the initial point, anyways.) We had a few visitors to our small group last night- the author of the BASIC material and a couple girls who have gone through, and lead, the material several times. After going through a rundown of the material, we went around and told our stories again so that we could all get introduced before starting an 8 week study together. And I kind of had an epiphany while telling my story. It was the same story I had told over a year ago to the other girls in my small group. One of on and off again church attendance, knowledge of God's love for me, and a desire to grow closer to God that I was more devoted to at some times than at others, but lacking any big-bang moment. The only new thing was what has happened over the past few months. While I was sitting there thinking about how to sum up my story, I started realizing that there have been several "coincidences" lately in my life. Now, I'm not one of those "I don't believe in coincidences" type people. Sometimes things just line up funny, and I really do believe that. But lately, things have just been connecting in more unusual ways than normal. And I can't help but wonder if someone's trying to get my attention.
First of all, the very day I started considering photography as a new possibility (I'm not lying- the VERY same day) I heard an add on the radio for an art school here in town that was having an open house that coming weekend. Secondly, that 4 week leadership program that I went to at church? Well, at the end of it they gave us the opportunity to sign up to volunteer in various areas within the church. I did not sign up for anything right then. I checked the box that said let me think about it and call me in a couple months. The area that did strike my interest though, was Care Ministries. But I didn't sign up because I didn't feel like I was ready, prepared for that kind of role. So imagine my surprise when I was reading the intro for this material and found out it was what they used to train people for that role! And lastly, if you read my last post where I was freaking out about life decisions, you would have run across a line where I was wondering if love should be my top priority in life. Well, as I was reading the intro material for this study, all of a sudden I came to a statement:
"Are you beginning to see how love is the key to life, the passion of the Father's heart, and the reason Jesus died for our sins? Now read I Corinthians 13:1-13 slowly, deliberately and ask God to help you see that love is not one of the most important things. It is the most important thing. (Ephesians 3:16-21)"
I'll let you look both those parts up for yourselves, but there was once verse that stopped me dead in my tracks:
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:17-19
I was just throwing out those questions last week as a rant. I wasn't asking anyone in particular. But God answered anyways. Right there on the page in front of me, in black and white. I was sitting there in my office during lunch and I started crying when I realized what I was reading. An answer to a prayer I didn't even know I was praying. But I still didn't get it.
It was last night when I started telling my story, and I heard myself putting all the pieces together, that I finally started to get it. I don't have any big-bang part in my story yet, but I will. I have this undeniable feeling that God has something big planned for me. I don't know what it is, and I don't know when it's coming. But all of a sudden I just know. It's like He's been right there this whole time, reminding me from time to time that He's there, that I'm His, drawing me back to Him when I started straying too far. Keeping me close for when my time got near. Preparing me. And I can just sense that this is one more step. The ladies that have gone through this study before both had amazing things to say about it, about what it opens us up to and teaches us about ourselves and about God and about the relationships He desires with us and for us with those around us. And I am so eager to find out what it is He wants to show me through this study!
I still have questions about what I'm supposed to do with my life (obviously!!!) and I don't know how all these little things are meant to line up together. But I know they connect somehow. And I know He'll continue to show me the way as I need to see it.
I have always been one who, despite following my heart in plenty of areas, really does enjoy seeing hard evidence when faced with decisions. I have lamented several times over the lack of biblical miracles in my life. How much easier would it be to know what God wants for us if He would just show up in another burning bush, or as a booming voice from the sky one day?!!! But I've resigned myself to just praying for discernment. A few months ago though, I had a dream. I know- whatever I'm about to say is going to sound crazy when introduced that way, but it's true. I woke up early one morning a little before my alarm was supposed to go off, and I had woken from a dream. I wont' go into the details, cuz dreams always sounds crazier than they seemed when you try to describe them after you've woken up. But suffice it to say that I had an encounter with the Lord in my dream. Like, I was running around with Jesus. (See- told you it sounded crazy.) But as I woke up, there was a weight pressing down upon me. Not a physical weight, but the kind of weight that you feel when you come to an important decision, or when you're thinking about something really big. But it wasn't my own thoughts pressing upon me. It was just this impression being pressed upon me. And I heard words spoken to me. Not aloud, but still very clearly I understood them. You sometimes hear people say that they were given a message, and you wonder what they mean. Did they get a general feeling that they then interpreted into a sentence used to describe what it was they were experiencing? And I know what they mean now when they say that's not the case, that they somehow sensed a very specific message. And the message being impressed upon me was "Yes, that was Me. And you're ok." It seems like a simple, almost pointless message. But again, it brought me to tears. I lay there in bed for several moments under this impression that was just being laid upon me. And I knew that God had just spoken to me. Not to charge me as He did Noah or Moses or any other famous biblical character. But just to let me know He was there. That He had been with me in my dream, and that He was always with me. And even when the weight of His message has passed, I was overcome with a sense of calm that I've never experienced before.
I'm not sure what the point of sharing that with you was, other than to just again explain this sense I've had lately of being drawn closer to Him, of His gentle reminders that He'll be there to guide me when I need it (and even when I think I don't!!)
I know this was a super long post! And waaaay more religious or spiritual than I normally get. So if this is your first time stopping by, just know not all my entries are this heavy!! And I hope I haven't just turned you off to coming by again!
But I really am excited to see what the next 8 weeks holds for me. And I expect I'll clue you in from time to time.
And I hope that you find evidence of God's presence in your life too!
